I'm not afraid to Fall

When my daughter was 4 we took her to a fantastic classical roller rink with wooden floors, a organ and the distinctive smell of grease, wood and slurpees in the air. They had a beginners lesson with the kids before the regular skate time where they taught them mostly how to fall well and how to get up. Everything else comes with practice. Flash forward about 6 months later we are on our way to our first family trip to a ice skating rink. I had heard about how its common for children to get their fingers severed after they fall on the ice. I’m trying to block the image from my brain when I hear my sweet girl proudly exclaim “I can’t wait to get there and start falling!!” My mommy brain exploded “what?!? Why?!?!?” She proudly and patiently answered “because that’s how you learn, you can’t learn without falling and I already know how to get myself up”. That memory has come to me when I felt afraid to fall or didn’t think getting up was worth it.

Since then I have learned how incredibly important this pivotal choice can be. When I stretch myself beyond my comfort zone knowing I could fall, I open myself up to potential success as well as the all important opportunity for growth. The trick is in the mindset. As my genius daughter illustrated, expecting to fall as part of the growth process and perceiving falls as actually part of the win rewires our brain to not only accept a fall but celebrate it and use it as a stepping stone.

For more on this, Zadra Rose Ibañez further describes what happens to our brains when we alter our mindsets towards celebrating the win in her Blog . If you are feeling like the only one who fails or falls and has trouble getting back up you can go to the museum of failures. To literally learn how to get up after falling on the ice go here. Finally, for a catchy earworm that will hopefully move you towards taking healthy risks this week, please take a listen to Get up by Superchick .

Facing your fears of falling or failure is one of the steps to resilience training I cover in my groups. Next one is forming in the Spring of 2020. I would love to hear the areas in which you are pushing past your fears of falling.

Pause, Breath, Write

I am not likely the first nor the last to draw your attention to the importance of the pause button. Our lives are busy, we have taken multitasking to profound levels. In our drive to do it all we are inadvertently, subconsciously moving backwards. We are literally forgetting to breath.

So my challenge for you this summer (okay, second half of summer) is to take some moments to breath and reflect. I will be posting reflective questions on my facebook page for the next 40 days. My challenge to you is to take a few moments to first notice your breathing and be present with where you are in the moment, reflect on the question,  and then take some time to journal your response. Ideally you could spend 10 - 20 minutes on this but what ever time you have will be beneficial.

Pause

As I mentioned we allow ourselves very little time to be present with ourselves in this busy life we live. Taking a moment to be present in the here and now. Breathing in deeply and noticing what we are experiencing in that exact moment can center us and allow us to be more grounded and capable of moving forward. This means putting the phone down, turning off the noise around us and being present. This is referred to as the practice of mindfulness. There are many websites and apps available to guide you in mindfulness training. I know I just told you to put the devices down, technology has its place in our world but its important to recognize its risks along with its benefits and be able to use it intentionally. There are also in person classes and books.

Breath

Taking a deep breath in can take 15 seconds (5 slowly in, hold for 5 and 5 slowly out). There is absolutely no reason we can’t do this. We breath anyway, it doesn’t take special equipment, it can be done anywhere in any circumstance. Taking a deep breath in enhances the pause, it brings us back to the basic truth of the fact that we are breathing and that is good. Just a few benefits of breathing deeply (aside from the obvious survival thing) include:

• Releasing toxins.
• Releasing tension.
• Oxygenate your brain for clearer thought.
• Calms nerves.
• Strengthen immune system.
• Improves posture.
• Strengthens the heart.
• Boosts energy.
• Elevates mood.

It just generally helps all of YOU work better.

Write

Now this is that bonus step. The other two can be done at any time with little to no disruption to our day. If that is all you have that is okay, you have already taken a big step by simply allowing yourself this moment. Writing is the bonus round and takes more commitment but also produces more benefit. Taking pen to paper:

• Slows our thoughts and helps us more intentionally process our emotions.  
• Builds empathy and widens our scope of emotional understanding
• Boosts cognition, expanding our thought process.
• Helps us track patterns in our lives to gain positive self understanding.

I hope you join me in some or all of this challenge and let me know how this process impacts you. Please, please, please do not make this a source of guilt, a "should" that you didn't get to that becomes another weight on your mind. Allow this to be simply a prompt, a suggestion, that nudges you to think different for a moment and expand your mind and heart. There is no specific order and you are welcome to skip days and start and end at any time, what ever feels right for you.

Tell Me I Don’t Suck

Yes, I have made this request through text, emails and conversations over the years. There is a good chance that this may not strike you right away as a good way to express your needs and for you it may not be. I’ve found for myself in specific situations it speaks my heart in its most vulnerable rawness. So these are my guidelines to using it or developing your own expression of need.

1. Elaborate. This is the panic button statement. The whole thing should look something like “Today I made a horrible mistake at work, I feel discouraged, frustrated and small, what I really need from you is for you to tell me I don’t suck and I wouldn’t reject a hot fudge sundae”. Fill in the blank version: This is what I’m experiencing or the choices I made______________ I am feeling______________ and what I really need is _________________.

2. Choose your audience wisely. This is not a statement to put on a “hello my name is” tag. It is important to build trusting relationships with safe people. People who have your back and you have theirs. This is not the person you connected with online yesterday or anyone really (however safe they feel) that you have known for a very short time.
3. Cutting to the chase. Its easy to get caught up in the minutia of problem solving and lose sight of the fact that the real issue is “I feel horrible about myself in this situation and even when I can logically look at solutions, more than solutions I need to know you think I’m valuable or capable”
4. Be specific. Along the same lines, people who care about us actually want to help us. They want to know what to do and what we need. Stating our needs helps them help us. A while back I was going through a rough time, I emailed a friend stating “this is what I need from you; can you email or text me everyday for the next week to remind me I don’t suck?” I needed to know I wasn’t alone. I believe the response was “thank you for being specific about your needs” and a kind elaboration of some ways I don’t suck.
5. It still counts. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard in sessions (and out) “If I tell him what to say (or do) then it doesn’t count”. We all have different needs and perceptions and giving our loved ones a road map to our world is a win win. If I make you guess how I like my coffee and then am disappointed that there isn’t enough sugar, we both lose, I don’t get my sugar fix and I feel misunderstood, you feel like a failure and like you can’t ever get it right and we are more disconnected. If I tell you, or you ask, how I like my coffee, then I feel heard and cared about, you feel successful and good about doing something nice for me and we build connection.
6. Use sparingly, This is not a phrase I post on facebook weekly or even make to my short list of safe people very often. This is the breaking the glass emergency statement that those on my emergency list know what to do with. If you find yourself wanting to say this everyday to everyone you meet, bigger things are going on in your life and seeking additional resources and solutions need to be explored.
7. Be Honest. When I put this out there, I am being vulnerable and raw, acknowledging my brokenness (another reason its used sparingly). It could also be used manipulatively, it is important to be honest with our selves about what our goal for the statement is. Am I being manipulative or attention seeking? If so maybe its time to spend some more time getting to what my actual needs are and how and who to express them too.
8. Own it. This is a choice on your part to reach out to tried and true friends to ask for what you need. If it doesn’t land the way you hoped, you can look at why that is, but it's not a opportunity to attack the other person for not meeting your needs. It may be our delivery, a misperception of the relationship or something in their life that is making them unavailable at this time. Irregardless, you can be proud of yourself for taking a risk, examine how you can do it differently next time or explore other ways to self soothe. If you feel able to express yourself honestly and in a non-attacking way you may want to come back later to that person and say “I wanted to talk to you about that, I was in a rough place and was asking for support. How did it feel for you? I was hurt that you didn’t respond, can you help me understand a better way of expressing my needs?”. If they are not able to help you it does not make them bad or wrong, it also doesn’t make your request bad or wrong it simply isn’t the right fit.
9. Be willing to accept support. If you honestly, with all the above considerations, ask for what you need from someone you honor and respect and the person you reach out to cares about you enough to hear you and respond appropriately - say “thank you”, hear it, absorb and cherish it.  Many of us are inclined to argue back “I do too suck, let me tell you how...” So instead of graciously accepting the support we specifically asked for we attack our friend for being dumb enough to care about us. There are a lot of reasons we do this  but it results in loss of trust and disconnection.
10. Return the favor. I don’t mean have a automatic reply of “you don’t suck either” ready to go, I mean be willing to have their back too and listen to what that means. My people know that my cry for help means help me process, reason and get back on my feet, remind me of my wins, listen and be present with me. They know what this looks like for me and I know what it looks like for them individually, its not always the same. Again different is not wrong, this is a hard concept but a important one. Asking what your friend needs and following through, with what they are asking for not your perception of their need, builds trust.

I hope this has helped you think through ways to ask for and receive help. I would love to hear about your experiences in how you ask for and give support. 

Connectivity, Mindset and the Power of Showing Up

I recently had a opportunity to share at the Ortega Counseling Centers monthly workshop about three ways we are stronger than we think. It gave me a fantastic opportunity to share my three passions.

Connectivity

As I’ve mentioned before connectivity is a true source of strength for us as humans. Brene Brown describes connectivity as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship. We gain power by connecting to each other. By intentionally making efforts to connect with others we not only increase our own strength but that of those around us.

Mindset

In her book and ted talk Kelly McGonigal describes the power of mindset, identifying that by simply altering our perspective and attitude towards the stress in our lives we can shift it from weighing us down to propelling us forward. She indicates that “chasing meaning is better for our health than trying to avoid discomfort”. When we fix our eyes on the meaning and value of our stress it can actually empower us to be stronger and more at ease in journeys.

Showing up

Sometimes the bravest thing we can do is simply show up when it is most difficult. To be present when we want to run, to get out of bed, to take that step forward. We don’t always give ourselves or the people around us credit for showing up. When we celebrate those small wins the bigger wins feel closer and attainable. Now I’m not suggesting you throw a party for yourself every time you get out of bed and attend to your daily routine but on those days (and you know what I’m talking about) that getting out of bed, clocking in, attempting a conversation with ___ (you know that person that you have had trouble talking to), simply showing up, takes more courage than you think you have - celebrate it, take pride in it, acknowledge that you faced something that was difficult and you showed up.

These three concepts have been the focus of my processing over the last few years. Here are a few questions I ask myself throughout the day:

• Who have I connected with today?
• Who can I make more meaningful connections with?
• What values are motivating me?
• Am I choosing activities that take me away from my core values out of guilt or obligation?
• What do I need to say no to?
• What do I need to say yes (show up) to?

My hope for you is that you will own your small wins, make meaningful connections, see the world with a mindset of strength and you will show up, especially when its difficult.

Forgetfulness, what is normal?

I once had a patient that would ask constantly if her varied bouts with forgetfulness or confusion meant she was “losing it” she greatly feared the beginning of the end. Unfortunately in her case (and I don’t believe she is alone) her obsession with memory loss increased her anxiety to the point that her forgetfulness did increase.

We all at one point or another struggle with mild confusion or forgetfulness. This is often related to stress, lack of sleep, or other physiological or environmental changes. In the example of losing our keys, most of us have a routine, we leave our keys subconsciously in the same place MOST of the time, except for when we don’t, usually when we are distracted by something we toss them somewhere else and they aren’t where we expect them the next time we need them. Eventually we are able to retrace our steps and find them.

As we age our cognitive functioning begins to slow leading to some delay in thought process and increased forgetfulness. As with the rest of our body we slow down and need a bit more help. To answer more extensively my clients consistent question. Here are a few examples of normal vs not normal:

• Normal: Occasionally forgetting plans especially when they are not routine.
• Not Normal: Consistently forgetting appointments or important dates such as birthdays or anniversaries.  
• Normal: Not keeping track of a conversation when you are distracted.
• Not Normal: Consistently forgetting recent conversations.
• Normal: Misplacing items you don't use often.
• Not Normal:Forgetting locations of familiar objects such as where the forks are kept.
• Normal: Occasionally forgetting someones name or finding the right word
• Not Normal: Difficulty finding the right word to use several times a day or speaking incoherently.
• Normal: Getting turned around or having difficulty following directions in unfamiliar situation. Not Normal: Getting lost in familiar places, for example on the way to the grocery store.
• Normal: Some difficulty in learning new things.
• Not Normal: Inability to cook a favorite recipe.
• Normal: Getting overwhelmed and having trouble coordinating when there is a lot to do, for example when moving or during a holiday.
• Not Normal: Inability to appropriately routine self care, meals, hygiene and finances.
• Normal: Trying new things.
• Not Normal: Being dangerously less inhibited or drastically different with language, actions or clothing choices.

Notice the key is recognizing when occasional becomes often. We all go off the tracks a bit occasionally but if we are unable to get ourselves back on track there may be a problem. Also if issues begin to threaten safety and well being it is time to seek help. Presence of these symptoms does not always mean dementia, it is not uncommon for some thought disturbance to be related to other physiological issues that can be treated. It is also important if there are signs of dementia that you or your loved one begin treatment as soon as possible for the best possible outcome.

The good news is that there is a lot that we can do even after a diagnosis to care for our brain. See my brain building blog 1,2,3,4. Living a life with healthy social connection, exercise, healthy eating, curiosity about the world around and hope makes our brain more strong and resilient even in the face of disease. If I could be of assistance in helping you and your family navigate challenges arising from memory loss please contact me. Here are also just a few fantastic resources in our area:

Senior Serv

Alzheimers Orange County

Alzheimers Association

Keep caring from your brain and brains of those you love.

Loneliness in Seniors and Connectivity

Last week I had the wonderful opportunity to present with two amazing women at North Orange County Senior Collaborative on the important topic of loneliness in seniors. I addressed how connectivity and our perceptions of connection can play a part in addressing loneliness. Here I hope to recap the presentation and continue spreading the information that is so valuable to our community.

First the bad news, people who are isolated and lonely:

• Have a higher risk of heart disease and stroke. More Information here.
• Are more vulnerable to metastatic cancer. More Information here.
• Are more likely to develop neurodegenerative disease including Alzheimers. More Information
• Are 25% more likely to die prematurely. More information here.
• Have a higher risk of elder abuse. More information here.
• Significant decline is self care. More Information here.
• have a weaker immune system making us more vulnerable to everything from the common cold to more deadly illnesses. More Information here.
• Have a higher risk of suicide. More information here.

So you are getting the picture right? Loneliness is not good. Notice I said above isolated AND lonely. People who live alone are not always lonely and people who live in community can still be lonely.  This has a lot to do with our personality, personal perspectives, relational needs and connectivity. Understanding your own needs and and how to fill them as well as being receptive to the unique needs of those around you can make connections more positive.

It has been said that we are the most connected and disconnected people in history. While I can skype or text with my dear family all over the world anytime I want I may have trouble making real connection with the person I share space with daily. We text instead of talking, shop, bank and date online. Everyone from 0-100 years old are adapting to a age of technology, and in that, grappling with how they are connecting to the humans in their world. I don’t think I need to throw statistics and research at you to argue that our older population is most affected by this new shift. While there are some technological benefits for seniors such as staying in touch via skype and text these advance can as likely create chasms in connection.   

And now to the good news, simply by educating ourselves and our community we can take steps towards addressing loneliness. There still needs to be action for it to count. Think about the ways you connect in your world and the missed opportunities in connection. What is one simple step you could take to connect with another person today? Who is someone you would like to connect with?

Our mindset as it pertains to connection plays a big part in the way we connect. As with many others things that make us beautifully complicated individuals, we all connect in different ways. Knowing how you connect and what your connection needs are can help you increase your connectivity and decrease loneliness for you and those you connect with. Here are some questions to ask your self to start thinking through your connectivity mindset.

• In what ways do I connect?  Most people connect mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually, what is most valuable to you?
• Who do I most want to connect with? you don’t have to connect with toxic people for the sake of connectivity, the energy you are able to save can help you find and connect with healthy people.
• What is one small thing I can do to increase connectivity?
• Does technology make me feel more or less connected?
• What negative or distorted thoughts are contributing to my isolation? For example do I keep myself from talking to people because I have convinced myself they won’t like me?
• Is it time to reconsider my living arrangement? Is my house too big and lonely? Would living in a community be better for me?
• What do I really need from others?  (make a plan to ask for it)
• What am I doing to connect genuinely with people?
• What or who am I grateful for right now?  Focusing on what you are grateful for, even when alone and grieving, can open you to joy and allow you to start to feel less lonely.

And now for action -

Today you can begin to decrease loneliness in your life or in the lives of those around you. Now that you have thought through what you, yourself need to connect here are a few suggestions. (They are not for everyone but a prompt to get yourself thinking through what you need).

• Take a class
• Join a group or club
• Think about your living situation
• Volunteer
• Mindfulness
• Complement others
• Make small talk
• Go for a walk
• Call, email or write a letter
• Journal
• Make art
• Do puzzles
• Fill your calendar
• Smile at some one
• Hug some one
• Look someone in the eye
• Ask a question
• Make a meal for someone
• Take a meal to someone

Lastly a few resources that can also be helpful in making connections.

Volunteer directory
Senior center OC and LA
Caregiver support at ALZOC and Alzheimers association
Southern California Council on Aging
Senior Serve

I will also be posting connectivity encouragement on my facebook through June so like my page to get prompts through May. I'd love to hear how you are connecting with those around you.

Are you Faithful?

Many couples define their strength or devotion based on their faithfulness. “I have not had sex with someone other than my spouse which makes me solidly faithful”, end of story.  So when despite lack of sexual infidelity marital difficulties arise it can be surprising, and likely viewed as the other persons fault, because you have been faithful, right? Or have you? 

Lets look at Faithfulness-  Wikipedia* defines faithfulness as

being the concept of unfailingly remaining loyal to someone or something and putting that loyalty into consistent practice, regardless of extenuating circumstances.

So do you put your loyalty in consistent practice in your most important relationship?

Prompted by John Gottman, PhD and Nan Silvers book what makes love last I have compiled the following list of questions

• Are you fully committed or are you looking for something better to come along?
• Do you compare your relationship to others?
• Do you have a friendship that is more emotionally intimate than your friendship with your partner (it doesn’t have to be sexual)?
• Do you keep secrets from your partner?
• Do you allow others to make decisions for your relationship that you should make with your partner?
• Are you present and available for your partner? Does he/she feel comfortable talking about their experiences with you?  
• Do you turn to others with good or bad news before your partner?
• Do you insult or put your partner down in front of others?
• Have you decreased sexual engagement with your partner?
• Do you take more than you give in your relationship?
• Do you consider the impact on your partner when making decisions?
• Have you broken promises made in your relationship?

These questions are not intended to raise guilt or provoke you to point fingers, they are to serve as a prompt to think through areas where you can grow in your relationship. That's right, another growth opportunity. No relationship is perfect, changes occur in all relationships and our abilities to build and destroy trust are always there. If one of these points jumped out at you and punched you in the gut a bit, take this as a opportunity to talk to your partner about it. Communication is the number one most important skill in your relationship and whether you have been together 5 days or 50 years you still need to communicate effectively with each other. If any of the above is a concern it doesn’t mean the end of your relationship, its like a small infection, easily tended to and healed but if left alone to fester it could become more threatening and dangerous.  Also, just because one of these are true doesn’t mean the relationship is in danger, there are times during illness and stress that one partner will take more than the other, or times that promises are broken, the key is that you are both on the same page and talking about it so that your bond grows through it instead of splintering. Relationships take work and commitment identifying and discussing your struggles with each other even when its hard, especially when its hard, will make your relationship more connected, intimate and stronger than you ever imagined.

*I know Wikapedia is no Merriam Webster or Dictionary.com but if you would like to compare you'll find the definition was more straight forward and basically sounded better.

Proud of you

Next week is Mister Rogers birthday. Despite the passage of time his words continue to inspire. He has a very simple and perfect message: You are special and so is your neighbor. He inspired and modeled this throughout his life.

I’m proud of you, I’m proud of you I hope that you are proud of you too

Who doesn’t want to hear this? Who doesn’t NEED to hear this?

Learning how important you are,
How important each person you see can be.
Discovering each one's specialty
Is the most important learning.

I’m important, your important, both of us are uniquely important, there never has been and never will be anyone exactly like you and if I can learn from what’s important about you, that is the most valuable thing I can do in a day or in a lifetime. WOW, how cool and how true is that?

The other component aside from learning from each other is connecting. The thing Mister Rogers did was look into the camera, he spoke to me and to you and to countless children that needed someone to see them. Now I know in future blogs I will likely warn about the dangers of such connections with fictional characters, but Fred Rogers was not fictional, he was connecting with his audience. He understood that children and adults need someone to look them in the eye and tell them they are special. We all need this, from birth to death we need connection, we need to be told we are uniquely special. We need to see what is special and beautiful about the people around us.

In honor of Mister Rogers I urge you to learn from your neighbors.  Acknowledge that we have opportunities to connect with people everyday that are uniquely and wonderfully special.

And to you, my blog neighbors:

I hope you are proud of the way you are growing,

the way you are becoming the unique person you are in this world.

Because its YOU I like

Being Present

Last week I attended a workshop on advance care planning including a viewing of being mortal all focused on dying well through planning, understanding and communication. Later in the week I conducted a workshop on suicide prevention, I was half way through my talk when I was struck with the irony:

Everyone has the right to die with dignity and support and have their wishes respected

unless their wishes are to die ahead of schedule then we need to stop them.

While I don’t have profound answers to our life long struggle with and against death, it gave me another window into the perplexity of it all. In the end however the answer to both preventing suicide and peacefully supporting inevitable passing is

be present.

Its that simple

Okay, yes, there are tons of unique complexities in logistics, relationships and emotions in each individual situation that no formula check list of two word cliche can fully attend to. However, being present, showing up, sitting quietly and listening without judgement is an enormous first step. None of us knows what the journey of our life will hold and when our last day will be. We have heard the old cliche’ of living each day as if it is your last. I encourage you this week to take that a step further and treat each interaction as if it might be your last meeting with that person, tell them that they are important to you, what you appreciate about them, smile, make eye contact and hug a smidge longer. What is it going to hurt?  How many ways could it help?

I’m going to keep this short because this message is important but I will do another post soon on advance care planning and on suicide awareness/prevention. Like my fb page or email me to get on the mailing list for future updates.

Embracing Opportunity

In one of my first “professional” jobs at a hospital I had a boss who would infuriate me. I would come to him whining about problems and injustices, throwing them before him like a moody adolescent challenging him to fix it. He would take a deep breath, pause and then ask “what are the opportunities here?” (I swear there was a hint of enthusiasm in his smile like we were choosing a ice cream flavor).   “Are you kidding me?” I would think - fire them or get angry or tell them they are wrong and I’m right...

Over time I got used to this approach and began to appreciate it. This process of looking past the problems and relabeling them as opportunities gave me a new way of gaining control over situations that seemed hopeless. It got to the point where I too got enthusiastic when challenges presented themselves and yes, as my career advanced I used the same techniques, infuriating many others and challenging them to grow in much the same way. I am grateful to my former boss and think of him every time I ask about opportunities and am met with a resistive snarl.

Its true that change, challenges, tragedies and injustices can be awful, hard, horrible and there is nothing wrong with wanting them to poof out of sight so that we can avoid going through them. When my kids were little one of our favorite books was we’re going on a bear hunt by Micheal Rosen and Helen Oxbury the family goes on a bear hunt and they are presented with all kinds of challenges like swamps, snow storms and spooky forests and we’d sing “we can’t go over it, we can’t go under it, we’ll just have to go through it. - swishy swoshy, swishy swoshy..”  While I was never quite sure why it was a good idea for a young family to go on a bear hunt I appreciated their tenacity and willingness to go through each challenge together, come what may. They didn’t look at the murky swamp, consider the potential dangers and turn back, they said lets do this and have a good time while we do it. its a beautiful day and by golly we are going to find a bear.  Many times in my own life I have looked at the road ahead and thought I don’t have it in me to go through this - there has to be another way.  When I have faced the challenges I do come through it stronger like the old saying goes but I’m not unscathed. Changes and challenges can hurt and scar us, growth comes at an emotional cost however, there are also amazing, often unexpected gains and inexplicable beauty on the other side.

Kelly McGonigal in her book the upside of stress as well as in her TED talk addresses how simply changing our mind set towards stressors can have a actual chemical impact on us. She found in study after study that when we view our challenges as opportunities and accept our natural physical/chemical response to stress as a asset, our body rising up to help us, our chemical response is actually healthier as opposed to focusing on the previous negative “killer” views of stress. People who view stress (challenges) as a positive (opportunities) in their life actually live longer, have better relationships and accomplish more. We have choices, all of us, in how we respond to stressful challenges and who we want to become in the face of them.

So   -   What are your opportunities?

Be Brave and Be Kind

In the more recent Cinderella movie the emphasis of Cinderellas character is driven by her mothers last words to her: "be brave and be kind". We learn throughout the movie that these two traits are more intermingled than we often consider them to be.  It takes immense bravery to show kindness but it is in showing kindness that we can live. We also observe that Cinderella chose kindness despite it all while her step mother chose self protection which reflected as cruelty and selfishness. I appreciate how it is depicts that she did not set out to be cruel or evil as the fairy tale goes but that she responded to broken heartedness with fear rather than bravery. She was afraid and built a shell of resistance to protect her and her daughters. Many of us don't even realize we have created a insulation for ourselves and certainly would be surprised to be depicted as cruel or evil but we have become fearful of reaching out and providing kindness.

I work with couples that have lost the ability to connect with each other because they are so afraid of being hurt or rejected. Despite our inner yearnings and primal needs to be loved and to connect we insulate ourselves from connection because of fear, which in turn deepens that emptiness due to loss of connectedness. Its a vicious and sad cycle.

There are many threats to kindness and connection in our community, including technology, schedules, fear, anxiety and upbringing. The thing is we all have in us the capability to be brave and to be kind. The willingness to be kind despite ourselves can break us out of the cycle. Dr. David Hamilton does warn us that there are side effects to kindness including a happier disposition, better relationships, slowed aging, and improved all around health. Which is prompting me to start another challenge (you know I can't help myself) For the next 40 days I will be posting random acts of kindness prompts on my facebook page, like the page to receive them daily, I will not be doing weekly summaries here, I would love it if you would share them or let me know what you think or how it went.

If you want to increase connection with others but find that reaching out is too scary, or vulnerable, you may have some things you need to work through. I would be happy to help you work through this, together we can explore new pathways to connectedness and a stronger, braver you. You can contact me here.

In the end (spoiler alert) Cinderella found that the kindest and bravest thing that anyone can do for another is be their true and honest self. I hope that through being brave enough to step out side yourself to show kindness to others, you are able to find, and be proud of, that beauty and strength inside of you.

Brain Building Challenge week 4

We made it through a entire month of challenges (I'm going to tag the next two days on to the end of this). Even if you just tried one challenge you have made a difference in renewing and strengthening your brain to excel in 2017.  Great job!!!  If you missed any you can reference week 1, week 2 and week 3 in my blog. Keep coming back to see further information about aging, relationships, mental health and life transitions.  If you would like to be put on my list for updates or if you have suggestions for further challenges, you can contact me here. 

Brain Challenge #23: Have a cup of coffee. Coffee (up to 3 cups) has been indicated to reduce swelling in the brain and thereby reduce risk a alzheimers or dementia. But before you run off to Peets two disclaimers - this is straight coffee and does not take into account sweeteners, milk and flavors which could counter the effects, also if your doctor told you to cut caffeine don’t use me to get out of that.

Brain Challenge #24: Read something printed on paper (not your computer, phone...), a book, magazine, cereal box ... for 15 minutes. Reading can expand your mind no matter what your age is and believe it or not reading from a book uses different neural pathways than reading from a screen. Here are 10 reasons why your should read everyday.

Brain Challenge #25: Smile. Smiling (even when you don't want to) gets your brain looking for those happy neurons, sometimes we have to fake it til you make it. If you happen to smile at another human they are likely to smile back which will likely make you smile from actual happiness and boost all those happy chemicals for reals. Face it this is pretty much the easiest challenge yet.

Brain Challenge #26: Eat some fish. Fish eaters have 14 percent larger hippocampus (involved in memory and learning) and 4 percent larger frontal orbital cortex (executive functioning). It has also been found to decrease (by up to 70 percent) amyloid protein associated with alzheimers disease.

Brain Challenge #27: Call a friend and tell them they are awesome. Similar to the smiling challenge, this a mutual and shared reward. Its like a bogo. Here and Here is more on why its fantastic to tell someone they are fantastic. 

Brain Challenge #28: Eat a handful of walnuts. Walnuts contain the all important brain building omega-3 fatty acids as well as polyphenolic compounds that protect the brain from free radical and reduce inflammation. There has also been research that indicates 1.5 ounces of walnuts daily has been known to reduce risk of alzheimers disease and reduce anxiety.

Brain Challenge #29: Take a day to rest, relax and recharge.  Being present and focusing on your goals can reset your brain to face another day.

Brain Challenge #30: Solve a puzzle today. Challenge your mind in some way (non tech) Soduko, crosswords, rubix or some other mental challenge. This will get your brain moving to face the week ahead. Brag about what you solved in the comments to challenge others.

Brain Challenge #31: Yay!! you made it!!! Congratulate yourself today - you are smarter, healthier and more capable of managing what is thrown at you than you were a month ago. You are awesome - own it!!

Raindrops keep falling on my head

 understanding seasonal affective disorder

Here in Southern California a rainy day can be a big deal, we often rush to get out the boots, light the fire in the fireplace and make hot chocolate before the clouds part. If we are lucky we can splash in a few puddles and have some soup knowing that tomorrow the sun will come out and it will be sunny 70 degrees again.

This year we are getting a real winter. I have found myself tiring of soup, and not taking every opportunity to splash in puddles (very unusual for me). Those of us who are used to the sun and warmth are at a higher risk for what is called seasonal affective disorder ironically dubbed SAD. Rainy day blues is a real thing.

For some people SAD is cyclical and follows seasonal patterns predictably. Others are triggered by the drop in serotonin caused by reduced sunlight. That is where a lot of us are at a higher risk this year. We are getting less of what keeps us going and we aren't used to it.  Between the shorter days and the heavy clouds we are missing the sun not just because our tans have faded but because the sun actually has a way of (forgive me) brightening our mood.  While short doses of rain in past years gave us a excuse to cuddle up with a book the prolonged impact can increase our risk for clinical depression.

Some symptoms to watch for according to the Mayo clinic:

• Feeling depressed or down most of the day, nearly every day
• Irritability, problems getting along with other people
• Hypersensitivity to rejection
• Heavy, "leaden" feeling in the arms or legs
• Oversleeping
• Appetite changes, especially a craving for foods high in carbohydrates
• Weight gain
• Feeling hopeless or worthless
• Having low energy
• Feeling sluggish or agitated
• Having difficulty concentrating
• Losing interest in activities you once enjoyed
• Having problems with sleeping
• Having frequent thoughts of death or suicide

We all have days we feel down but if symptoms persist for over a week especially if they impact your daily living contact your doctor or therapist as soon as possible. If you are having thoughts of suicide call 911 or the suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255 immediately.

If you feel at risk or are just starting to recognize symptoms here are some things you can do.

• Get out as much as you can, when the clouds part get out there. Filtered sun and fresh air is still great for you plus you get the increase in activity that you are missing. Its really hard to get off the couch this time of year but hibernation can cause physical as well as emotional damage.
• On that note go to the gym, we are less active in cold weather this is why it is that much more important to be extra diligent about out exercise regimen.
• Get your fruits and veggies. This is grilled cheese, pasta and hot chocolate weather. It is easy to over consume and add to the sluggishness we are already feeling. Be conscious of integrating healthy foods into your daily diet.
• Drink water. Again we are more likely to sip some tea than chug down some water but our bodies still need water and we are at risk of becoming dehydrated.
• Get social. Depression and rainy days can make it easier to isolate, especially in So Cal where damp pavement can warrant a storm watch. Socialization is important, schedule times with friends, force yourself to get out there.
• Sun lamps or tanning. Artificial sun has been indicated to help improve mood in those suffering from seasonal depression.
• Seek help, finding someone to talk with to help you journey through this season can be invaluable. If this is something you know you are ready for I'd love you talk with you to help you take that step, you can contact me here.

In closing, we potentially have a few months ahead. If you are aware and intentional about your choices you will be able to enjoy the fact that our planet is getting what it needs. You have the power to make you the best you possible because :

...The blues they send to meet (you)
Won't defeat (you), it won't be long
Till happiness Steps up to greet (you)

Brain Building Challenge Week Three

By now you should definitely be feeling like you have a brain. You are more than half way through integrating new healthy ways to invigorate and grow your brain in order to face all the year has in store.

Brain Challenge #16: Read or watch the famous speech by martin luther king and write out (hand write) your own dream or feelings related to the speech. Thinking through others visions or experiences then applying it to your own opens up new neural pathways and increases empathy and social understanding. Handwriting also challenges and strengthens our brain muscles in all new ways.

Brain Challenge #17: Drink water. Staying hydrated will improve your mood, your concentration, your memory and improves blood flow and oxygen to the brain.

Brain Challenge #18: Acknowledge one accomplishment. Find one thing to pat yourself on the back about today. You showed up today and that counts. Acknowledging accomplishments and taking pride in who we are can actually rewire our brain to increase our self esteem, and confidence. You are an amazing, unique individual - own it.  Comment on what you are proud of.

Brain Challenge #19: Take a walk. It is no secret that walking has many health benefits but it has also been found in many studies to decrease risks of dementia, depression and of course can also reduce weight and increase strength.

Brain Challenge #20: Brain Challenge #20: hug someone (with permission) we all need human connection and our brain needs the oxitocin that comes with it. More on this topic here , here and here.         
 
Brain Challenge #21: Sniff some lavender. Lavender can alleviate anxiety and depression by balancing neurotransmitters. Breath in the good and out the bad.

Awesome work my brain building friends. Keep up the good work, keep checking facebook, we only have a week more to go.

Brain Building Challenge Week Two

You made it through week two - yay you!!

Brain Challenge #9: Its Monday - we all deserve a bit of a break for showing up today. Treat yourself to a bit of dark chocolate. I know your diet was supposed to start today but dark chocolate, among other health benefits, improves blood circulation to the brain, improves cognitive functioning, increases memory retention and improves mood so indulge yourself, your brain deserves it. *remember moderation is key, while pure dark chocolate has all of these benefits most consumable dark chocolate also contains fat and sugar which are not fantastic for us. Here and Here are two articles that explore it further.

Brain Challenge #10: Find something to laugh at. You know what makes you laugh, seek it out. You will relieve tension, improve relationships, increase endorphines and clear up the fog in your brain. Here and Here  and Here are articles that explore it further.

Brain Challenge #11: Stretch your muscles for at least 15 minutes. Regular stretching several times a week can improve your focus and attention span.

Brain Challenge #12: Take a different route today.  Breaking familiar patterns in our daily routine builds and strengthens new connections in your brain cells.

Brain Challenge #13: Add Rosemary to your dinner tonight. Whether you cook your chicken in it, dip your bread in it or steep it in a tea, it slows the degradation of acetylchholine which is involved in developing new memories, and regulating muscle activity.

Brain Challenge #14: Remember these? Play a card game today, with real cards not your app. Along with strengthening long and short term memory you are building problem solving and using parts of your brain that zone out with tech engagement. Information on how this benefits seniors here, how it benefits children and families here, game rules here and finally just for fun your brain on candy crush here.

Great work!!! Take today to think through what worked for you and what you can integrate more regularly into your schedule. Any brain use is beneficial, keep using it so you don’t lose it.

If you haven’t already be sure to sign up for my facebook account to get regular challenges or contact me here if you would prefer to get them through email.

Home for the Holidays, Facing Dementia

Coming home for the holidays carries with it many relational and emotional challenges. While there is hopefully some wonderfulness and childlike magic there are also expected and unexpected stressors. While I wish I could fully address all the many facets of emotional stress over the holidays all I will say is be gentle with yourself and others, its okay to find a closet or a parking lot to hide in for a while and ask for help when you need it.

Today I’m going to address a specific ‘home for the holidays’ stressor I rarely hear discussed at parties but I know to be a real and painful holiday experience.

When I worked in Geropsychiatry we often had a rise in admissions just after the Holidays when families would get together and realize “Dad’s not right”.  Dementia in all forms comes on gradually and it is often those closest to the individual who miss the early signs. After spending more time with them during family gathering it feels like all of a sudden Mom is not okay. I wanted to briefly go over some things to watch for if you are at all concerned. Its important to note that the primary difference between a normal age related forgetfulness and advancing dementia is consistency and impact on daily living. Here are a few things to look for.

•   Forgets significant dates (birthdays, anniversaries).
•   Forgets routes to familiar locations.
•   Unable to follow a familiar recipe or balance a check book.
•   Demonstrates difficulty finding the right word in conversation.
•   Unable to remember the name of a family member or close friend.
•   Unable to keep appointments straight or remember what day it is.
•   Poor judgement in dressing (short sleeve shirt to the snow).
•   Poor judgement in spending.
•   Increased clumsiness or small vehicle accidents.
•   Losing items and unable to retrace steps to find them or finding them in odd places.
•   Mood swings.
•   Repetitive speech, talking in circles.
•   Loss of initiative, seeming to give up.
•   Paranoia or suspiciousness.
•   Constant crying or tearfulness with no obvious prompt.
•   Change in personality or behavior.
•   Unable to make simple meals.
•   Decrease in self care (bathing, grooming, changing clothes)
•   Not maintaining household duties (cleaning ect.) that are within physical abilities.
•   Gets lost in familiar areas.

If you checked more than 4 items or if the items you did check are to the point of impacting daily life and safety it would be a good idea to check in with your loved one’s doctor. Again look at the consistency or extremity. We all can forget a word occasionally but if its several times a day that's a concern. While all of the above are indicators of dementia they could also be caused by other things such as poor diet, not taking medication correctly, grief, stress, depression, infection, other physical issues.

We always want our loved ones to be okay and it is very common for us consciously or subconsciously to attempt to will them to be better, to rationalize or ignore signs. Currently there is no cure for Alzheimers disease but there are medications that slow the progression when caught early, there are also simple lifestyle changes that can improve quality of life when attended to early. The more proactive you can be before it becomes a crisis the better.

Any transition or shift in family situations can be difficult, recognizing your loved ones need for increased care impacts the entire family. It is very common to experience feelings of fear, anger, anxiety, depression and guilt. Such shifts can also revive, intensify or initiate family tensions or unresolved relational issues. It is important to seek help for yourself as you seek help for your loved one. I would love to accompany you on this journey or help you find someone who can, contact me here.

A few resources to get you started are the alzheimers association with local chapters in orange county  and LA county if you are in the orange county area, Senior Care 101  is a monthly informational seminar on senior resources, for more information on alzheimers, the alzheimers family center  is offering a mind boosters series in January.  I won't overwhelm you with reading options but I will recommend The 36-hour day  and I have to confess I’m a fan of the dummies books there's no shame in it, they are clear, thorough and comprehensive.

This is a lot of information and I'm really just scratching the surface. I plan to do more entries on Dementia and aging. If you have questions or specific topics you would like to hear more of contact me or comment below.  I truly hope that your holiday season is one of grace and joy and that despite it all you are able to rest, enjoy a cookie, laugh with a friend, breathe in the smells and embrace what is good about right now.