Tell Me I Don’t Suck

Yes, I have made this request through text, emails and conversations over the years. There is a good chance that this may not strike you right away as a good way to express your needs and for you it may not be. I’ve found for myself in specific situations it speaks my heart in its most vulnerable rawness. So these are my guidelines to using it or developing your own expression of need.

1. Elaborate. This is the panic button statement. The whole thing should look something like “Today I made a horrible mistake at work, I feel discouraged, frustrated and small, what I really need from you is for you to tell me I don’t suck and I wouldn’t reject a hot fudge sundae”. Fill in the blank version: This is what I’m experiencing or the choices I made______________ I am feeling______________ and what I really need is _________________.

2. Choose your audience wisely. This is not a statement to put on a “hello my name is” tag. It is important to build trusting relationships with safe people. People who have your back and you have theirs. This is not the person you connected with online yesterday or anyone really (however safe they feel) that you have known for a very short time.
3. Cutting to the chase. Its easy to get caught up in the minutia of problem solving and lose sight of the fact that the real issue is “I feel horrible about myself in this situation and even when I can logically look at solutions, more than solutions I need to know you think I’m valuable or capable”
4. Be specific. Along the same lines, people who care about us actually want to help us. They want to know what to do and what we need. Stating our needs helps them help us. A while back I was going through a rough time, I emailed a friend stating “this is what I need from you; can you email or text me everyday for the next week to remind me I don’t suck?” I needed to know I wasn’t alone. I believe the response was “thank you for being specific about your needs” and a kind elaboration of some ways I don’t suck.
5. It still counts. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard in sessions (and out) “If I tell him what to say (or do) then it doesn’t count”. We all have different needs and perceptions and giving our loved ones a road map to our world is a win win. If I make you guess how I like my coffee and then am disappointed that there isn’t enough sugar, we both lose, I don’t get my sugar fix and I feel misunderstood, you feel like a failure and like you can’t ever get it right and we are more disconnected. If I tell you, or you ask, how I like my coffee, then I feel heard and cared about, you feel successful and good about doing something nice for me and we build connection.
6. Use sparingly, This is not a phrase I post on facebook weekly or even make to my short list of safe people very often. This is the breaking the glass emergency statement that those on my emergency list know what to do with. If you find yourself wanting to say this everyday to everyone you meet, bigger things are going on in your life and seeking additional resources and solutions need to be explored.
7. Be Honest. When I put this out there, I am being vulnerable and raw, acknowledging my brokenness (another reason its used sparingly). It could also be used manipulatively, it is important to be honest with our selves about what our goal for the statement is. Am I being manipulative or attention seeking? If so maybe its time to spend some more time getting to what my actual needs are and how and who to express them too.
8. Own it. This is a choice on your part to reach out to tried and true friends to ask for what you need. If it doesn’t land the way you hoped, you can look at why that is, but it's not a opportunity to attack the other person for not meeting your needs. It may be our delivery, a misperception of the relationship or something in their life that is making them unavailable at this time. Irregardless, you can be proud of yourself for taking a risk, examine how you can do it differently next time or explore other ways to self soothe. If you feel able to express yourself honestly and in a non-attacking way you may want to come back later to that person and say “I wanted to talk to you about that, I was in a rough place and was asking for support. How did it feel for you? I was hurt that you didn’t respond, can you help me understand a better way of expressing my needs?”. If they are not able to help you it does not make them bad or wrong, it also doesn’t make your request bad or wrong it simply isn’t the right fit.
9. Be willing to accept support. If you honestly, with all the above considerations, ask for what you need from someone you honor and respect and the person you reach out to cares about you enough to hear you and respond appropriately - say “thank you”, hear it, absorb and cherish it.  Many of us are inclined to argue back “I do too suck, let me tell you how...” So instead of graciously accepting the support we specifically asked for we attack our friend for being dumb enough to care about us. There are a lot of reasons we do this  but it results in loss of trust and disconnection.
10. Return the favor. I don’t mean have a automatic reply of “you don’t suck either” ready to go, I mean be willing to have their back too and listen to what that means. My people know that my cry for help means help me process, reason and get back on my feet, remind me of my wins, listen and be present with me. They know what this looks like for me and I know what it looks like for them individually, its not always the same. Again different is not wrong, this is a hard concept but a important one. Asking what your friend needs and following through, with what they are asking for not your perception of their need, builds trust.

I hope this has helped you think through ways to ask for and receive help. I would love to hear about your experiences in how you ask for and give support. 

Proud of you

Next week is Mister Rogers birthday. Despite the passage of time his words continue to inspire. He has a very simple and perfect message: You are special and so is your neighbor. He inspired and modeled this throughout his life.

I’m proud of you, I’m proud of you I hope that you are proud of you too

Who doesn’t want to hear this? Who doesn’t NEED to hear this?

Learning how important you are,
How important each person you see can be.
Discovering each one's specialty
Is the most important learning.

I’m important, your important, both of us are uniquely important, there never has been and never will be anyone exactly like you and if I can learn from what’s important about you, that is the most valuable thing I can do in a day or in a lifetime. WOW, how cool and how true is that?

The other component aside from learning from each other is connecting. The thing Mister Rogers did was look into the camera, he spoke to me and to you and to countless children that needed someone to see them. Now I know in future blogs I will likely warn about the dangers of such connections with fictional characters, but Fred Rogers was not fictional, he was connecting with his audience. He understood that children and adults need someone to look them in the eye and tell them they are special. We all need this, from birth to death we need connection, we need to be told we are uniquely special. We need to see what is special and beautiful about the people around us.

In honor of Mister Rogers I urge you to learn from your neighbors.  Acknowledge that we have opportunities to connect with people everyday that are uniquely and wonderfully special.

And to you, my blog neighbors:

I hope you are proud of the way you are growing,

the way you are becoming the unique person you are in this world.

Because its YOU I like

Being Present

Last week I attended a workshop on advance care planning including a viewing of being mortal all focused on dying well through planning, understanding and communication. Later in the week I conducted a workshop on suicide prevention, I was half way through my talk when I was struck with the irony:

Everyone has the right to die with dignity and support and have their wishes respected

unless their wishes are to die ahead of schedule then we need to stop them.

While I don’t have profound answers to our life long struggle with and against death, it gave me another window into the perplexity of it all. In the end however the answer to both preventing suicide and peacefully supporting inevitable passing is

be present.

Its that simple

Okay, yes, there are tons of unique complexities in logistics, relationships and emotions in each individual situation that no formula check list of two word cliche can fully attend to. However, being present, showing up, sitting quietly and listening without judgement is an enormous first step. None of us knows what the journey of our life will hold and when our last day will be. We have heard the old cliche’ of living each day as if it is your last. I encourage you this week to take that a step further and treat each interaction as if it might be your last meeting with that person, tell them that they are important to you, what you appreciate about them, smile, make eye contact and hug a smidge longer. What is it going to hurt?  How many ways could it help?

I’m going to keep this short because this message is important but I will do another post soon on advance care planning and on suicide awareness/prevention. Like my fb page or email me to get on the mailing list for future updates.

Be Brave and Be Kind

In the more recent Cinderella movie the emphasis of Cinderellas character is driven by her mothers last words to her: "be brave and be kind". We learn throughout the movie that these two traits are more intermingled than we often consider them to be.  It takes immense bravery to show kindness but it is in showing kindness that we can live. We also observe that Cinderella chose kindness despite it all while her step mother chose self protection which reflected as cruelty and selfishness. I appreciate how it is depicts that she did not set out to be cruel or evil as the fairy tale goes but that she responded to broken heartedness with fear rather than bravery. She was afraid and built a shell of resistance to protect her and her daughters. Many of us don't even realize we have created a insulation for ourselves and certainly would be surprised to be depicted as cruel or evil but we have become fearful of reaching out and providing kindness.

I work with couples that have lost the ability to connect with each other because they are so afraid of being hurt or rejected. Despite our inner yearnings and primal needs to be loved and to connect we insulate ourselves from connection because of fear, which in turn deepens that emptiness due to loss of connectedness. Its a vicious and sad cycle.

There are many threats to kindness and connection in our community, including technology, schedules, fear, anxiety and upbringing. The thing is we all have in us the capability to be brave and to be kind. The willingness to be kind despite ourselves can break us out of the cycle. Dr. David Hamilton does warn us that there are side effects to kindness including a happier disposition, better relationships, slowed aging, and improved all around health. Which is prompting me to start another challenge (you know I can't help myself) For the next 40 days I will be posting random acts of kindness prompts on my facebook page, like the page to receive them daily, I will not be doing weekly summaries here, I would love it if you would share them or let me know what you think or how it went.

If you want to increase connection with others but find that reaching out is too scary, or vulnerable, you may have some things you need to work through. I would be happy to help you work through this, together we can explore new pathways to connectedness and a stronger, braver you. You can contact me here.

In the end (spoiler alert) Cinderella found that the kindest and bravest thing that anyone can do for another is be their true and honest self. I hope that through being brave enough to step out side yourself to show kindness to others, you are able to find, and be proud of, that beauty and strength inside of you.

Home for the Holidays, Facing Dementia

Coming home for the holidays carries with it many relational and emotional challenges. While there is hopefully some wonderfulness and childlike magic there are also expected and unexpected stressors. While I wish I could fully address all the many facets of emotional stress over the holidays all I will say is be gentle with yourself and others, its okay to find a closet or a parking lot to hide in for a while and ask for help when you need it.

Today I’m going to address a specific ‘home for the holidays’ stressor I rarely hear discussed at parties but I know to be a real and painful holiday experience.

When I worked in Geropsychiatry we often had a rise in admissions just after the Holidays when families would get together and realize “Dad’s not right”.  Dementia in all forms comes on gradually and it is often those closest to the individual who miss the early signs. After spending more time with them during family gathering it feels like all of a sudden Mom is not okay. I wanted to briefly go over some things to watch for if you are at all concerned. Its important to note that the primary difference between a normal age related forgetfulness and advancing dementia is consistency and impact on daily living. Here are a few things to look for.

•   Forgets significant dates (birthdays, anniversaries).
•   Forgets routes to familiar locations.
•   Unable to follow a familiar recipe or balance a check book.
•   Demonstrates difficulty finding the right word in conversation.
•   Unable to remember the name of a family member or close friend.
•   Unable to keep appointments straight or remember what day it is.
•   Poor judgement in dressing (short sleeve shirt to the snow).
•   Poor judgement in spending.
•   Increased clumsiness or small vehicle accidents.
•   Losing items and unable to retrace steps to find them or finding them in odd places.
•   Mood swings.
•   Repetitive speech, talking in circles.
•   Loss of initiative, seeming to give up.
•   Paranoia or suspiciousness.
•   Constant crying or tearfulness with no obvious prompt.
•   Change in personality or behavior.
•   Unable to make simple meals.
•   Decrease in self care (bathing, grooming, changing clothes)
•   Not maintaining household duties (cleaning ect.) that are within physical abilities.
•   Gets lost in familiar areas.

If you checked more than 4 items or if the items you did check are to the point of impacting daily life and safety it would be a good idea to check in with your loved one’s doctor. Again look at the consistency or extremity. We all can forget a word occasionally but if its several times a day that's a concern. While all of the above are indicators of dementia they could also be caused by other things such as poor diet, not taking medication correctly, grief, stress, depression, infection, other physical issues.

We always want our loved ones to be okay and it is very common for us consciously or subconsciously to attempt to will them to be better, to rationalize or ignore signs. Currently there is no cure for Alzheimers disease but there are medications that slow the progression when caught early, there are also simple lifestyle changes that can improve quality of life when attended to early. The more proactive you can be before it becomes a crisis the better.

Any transition or shift in family situations can be difficult, recognizing your loved ones need for increased care impacts the entire family. It is very common to experience feelings of fear, anger, anxiety, depression and guilt. Such shifts can also revive, intensify or initiate family tensions or unresolved relational issues. It is important to seek help for yourself as you seek help for your loved one. I would love to accompany you on this journey or help you find someone who can, contact me here.

A few resources to get you started are the alzheimers association with local chapters in orange county  and LA county if you are in the orange county area, Senior Care 101  is a monthly informational seminar on senior resources, for more information on alzheimers, the alzheimers family center  is offering a mind boosters series in January.  I won't overwhelm you with reading options but I will recommend The 36-hour day  and I have to confess I’m a fan of the dummies books there's no shame in it, they are clear, thorough and comprehensive.

This is a lot of information and I'm really just scratching the surface. I plan to do more entries on Dementia and aging. If you have questions or specific topics you would like to hear more of contact me or comment below.  I truly hope that your holiday season is one of grace and joy and that despite it all you are able to rest, enjoy a cookie, laugh with a friend, breathe in the smells and embrace what is good about right now.

Gifting Intentionally

If you’re like me you are suddenly waking to the realization that you may need to start seriously thinking about gifts for your friends and family. To those of us still figuring it out, I have relational and possibly cost effective perspectives to share on gift giving with intention.

I recently did a search for top selling books on relationships and was pleasantly surprised to find a old classic back on top.  The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. The book suggests that we all give and receive love in unique language, meaning there are specific individual ways we give and receive love.  Here is a brief description on the five, for more information I recommend going to his website or reading the book.

Quality time - Giving and receiving undivided attention is the way love is experienced.
Words of affirmation - uses words to affirm other people, words speak louder than action.
Acts of service (devotion) - actions speak louder than words.
Physical touch - nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch.
Receiving gifts - what makes one feel most love is to give and receive a gifts.

I may communicate love by spending time with someone (quality time) but if the person I am attempting to express that love to doesn’t communicate or value that same expression, for example prefers words, it will fall flat. Not understanding our own love language AND possibly more importantly our loved ones love languages can lead to unintended feelings of rejection and pain.  Her love language may be words of affirmation, his may be service, he tirelessly works around the house, she thinks “he never says he loves me so he must not”, he thinks “she never helps me with the cleaning, she doesn’t care about me”.  While both care for each other and are expressing it in their own way their expression misalign and the relationship suffers.

Is this sounding familiar? Many of us assume that everyone experiences love in the same way, this is not anywhere close to true. Its important to really understand that your reality is not others reality and strive for understanding of others perspective. This doesn’t mean you need to change your preference or perspective. For example for the situation above, when she begins to realize that he values service and cleaning she can say she loves him by surprising him by doing a project and he can take time to intentionally tell her that he loves her. They can keep their own language but take steps to meet the other's.

So back to gifts. When we consider our loved one’s love language in choosing their gifts we are on the right track to choosing a gift that will make them feel loved and known. Here are a few suggestions to get your brainstorming started.

Quality time: Give a gift of a activity, schedule a day trip or short vacation with this person, buy a membership to a museum or zoo and schedule times to go together.

Words of affirmation: Write down things you love about this person or special memories. I really love this deck of cards : 52 things I love about you or for the more ambitious you can make a jar or calendar with 365 or more reasons.

Acts of service: schedule a work day to work on a specific project, offer to take on a certain chore for a period of time, provide coupons to do dishes, laundry, or cooking.

Physical touch: Give a gift certificate for a massage, or give a massage yourself.

Receiving gifts: Consider what type of gifts are valued, not everyone needs diamonds, or expensive gifts.  Add to a collection, individually wrapping small parts of a gift or do a scavenger hunt.

It is vital to recognize the difference between your love language and theirs. Giving a gift in your love language runs the risk of deepening resentment or feelings of being unheard and uncared for. Spending time thinking up 365 reasons you love him may not be as appreciated if he is more a service guy and getting season hockey tickets for her so you can spend quality time together even if she is a quality time person may not be well received.  On the other hand, respecting your loved ones love language and interests, even when it is greek to you, is the most important gift you can give.

Happy gift giving :) I would love to hear what you came up with.