Tell Me I Don’t Suck

Yes, I have made this request through text, emails and conversations over the years. There is a good chance that this may not strike you right away as a good way to express your needs and for you it may not be. I’ve found for myself in specific situations it speaks my heart in its most vulnerable rawness. So these are my guidelines to using it or developing your own expression of need.

1. Elaborate. This is the panic button statement. The whole thing should look something like “Today I made a horrible mistake at work, I feel discouraged, frustrated and small, what I really need from you is for you to tell me I don’t suck and I wouldn’t reject a hot fudge sundae”. Fill in the blank version: This is what I’m experiencing or the choices I made______________ I am feeling______________ and what I really need is _________________.

2. Choose your audience wisely. This is not a statement to put on a “hello my name is” tag. It is important to build trusting relationships with safe people. People who have your back and you have theirs. This is not the person you connected with online yesterday or anyone really (however safe they feel) that you have known for a very short time.
3. Cutting to the chase. Its easy to get caught up in the minutia of problem solving and lose sight of the fact that the real issue is “I feel horrible about myself in this situation and even when I can logically look at solutions, more than solutions I need to know you think I’m valuable or capable”
4. Be specific. Along the same lines, people who care about us actually want to help us. They want to know what to do and what we need. Stating our needs helps them help us. A while back I was going through a rough time, I emailed a friend stating “this is what I need from you; can you email or text me everyday for the next week to remind me I don’t suck?” I needed to know I wasn’t alone. I believe the response was “thank you for being specific about your needs” and a kind elaboration of some ways I don’t suck.
5. It still counts. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard in sessions (and out) “If I tell him what to say (or do) then it doesn’t count”. We all have different needs and perceptions and giving our loved ones a road map to our world is a win win. If I make you guess how I like my coffee and then am disappointed that there isn’t enough sugar, we both lose, I don’t get my sugar fix and I feel misunderstood, you feel like a failure and like you can’t ever get it right and we are more disconnected. If I tell you, or you ask, how I like my coffee, then I feel heard and cared about, you feel successful and good about doing something nice for me and we build connection.
6. Use sparingly, This is not a phrase I post on facebook weekly or even make to my short list of safe people very often. This is the breaking the glass emergency statement that those on my emergency list know what to do with. If you find yourself wanting to say this everyday to everyone you meet, bigger things are going on in your life and seeking additional resources and solutions need to be explored.
7. Be Honest. When I put this out there, I am being vulnerable and raw, acknowledging my brokenness (another reason its used sparingly). It could also be used manipulatively, it is important to be honest with our selves about what our goal for the statement is. Am I being manipulative or attention seeking? If so maybe its time to spend some more time getting to what my actual needs are and how and who to express them too.
8. Own it. This is a choice on your part to reach out to tried and true friends to ask for what you need. If it doesn’t land the way you hoped, you can look at why that is, but it's not a opportunity to attack the other person for not meeting your needs. It may be our delivery, a misperception of the relationship or something in their life that is making them unavailable at this time. Irregardless, you can be proud of yourself for taking a risk, examine how you can do it differently next time or explore other ways to self soothe. If you feel able to express yourself honestly and in a non-attacking way you may want to come back later to that person and say “I wanted to talk to you about that, I was in a rough place and was asking for support. How did it feel for you? I was hurt that you didn’t respond, can you help me understand a better way of expressing my needs?”. If they are not able to help you it does not make them bad or wrong, it also doesn’t make your request bad or wrong it simply isn’t the right fit.
9. Be willing to accept support. If you honestly, with all the above considerations, ask for what you need from someone you honor and respect and the person you reach out to cares about you enough to hear you and respond appropriately - say “thank you”, hear it, absorb and cherish it.  Many of us are inclined to argue back “I do too suck, let me tell you how...” So instead of graciously accepting the support we specifically asked for we attack our friend for being dumb enough to care about us. There are a lot of reasons we do this  but it results in loss of trust and disconnection.
10. Return the favor. I don’t mean have a automatic reply of “you don’t suck either” ready to go, I mean be willing to have their back too and listen to what that means. My people know that my cry for help means help me process, reason and get back on my feet, remind me of my wins, listen and be present with me. They know what this looks like for me and I know what it looks like for them individually, its not always the same. Again different is not wrong, this is a hard concept but a important one. Asking what your friend needs and following through, with what they are asking for not your perception of their need, builds trust.

I hope this has helped you think through ways to ask for and receive help. I would love to hear about your experiences in how you ask for and give support. 

Loneliness in Seniors and Connectivity

Last week I had the wonderful opportunity to present with two amazing women at North Orange County Senior Collaborative on the important topic of loneliness in seniors. I addressed how connectivity and our perceptions of connection can play a part in addressing loneliness. Here I hope to recap the presentation and continue spreading the information that is so valuable to our community.

First the bad news, people who are isolated and lonely:

• Have a higher risk of heart disease and stroke. More Information here.
• Are more vulnerable to metastatic cancer. More Information here.
• Are more likely to develop neurodegenerative disease including Alzheimers. More Information
• Are 25% more likely to die prematurely. More information here.
• Have a higher risk of elder abuse. More information here.
• Significant decline is self care. More Information here.
• have a weaker immune system making us more vulnerable to everything from the common cold to more deadly illnesses. More Information here.
• Have a higher risk of suicide. More information here.

So you are getting the picture right? Loneliness is not good. Notice I said above isolated AND lonely. People who live alone are not always lonely and people who live in community can still be lonely.  This has a lot to do with our personality, personal perspectives, relational needs and connectivity. Understanding your own needs and and how to fill them as well as being receptive to the unique needs of those around you can make connections more positive.

It has been said that we are the most connected and disconnected people in history. While I can skype or text with my dear family all over the world anytime I want I may have trouble making real connection with the person I share space with daily. We text instead of talking, shop, bank and date online. Everyone from 0-100 years old are adapting to a age of technology, and in that, grappling with how they are connecting to the humans in their world. I don’t think I need to throw statistics and research at you to argue that our older population is most affected by this new shift. While there are some technological benefits for seniors such as staying in touch via skype and text these advance can as likely create chasms in connection.   

And now to the good news, simply by educating ourselves and our community we can take steps towards addressing loneliness. There still needs to be action for it to count. Think about the ways you connect in your world and the missed opportunities in connection. What is one simple step you could take to connect with another person today? Who is someone you would like to connect with?

Our mindset as it pertains to connection plays a big part in the way we connect. As with many others things that make us beautifully complicated individuals, we all connect in different ways. Knowing how you connect and what your connection needs are can help you increase your connectivity and decrease loneliness for you and those you connect with. Here are some questions to ask your self to start thinking through your connectivity mindset.

• In what ways do I connect?  Most people connect mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually, what is most valuable to you?
• Who do I most want to connect with? you don’t have to connect with toxic people for the sake of connectivity, the energy you are able to save can help you find and connect with healthy people.
• What is one small thing I can do to increase connectivity?
• Does technology make me feel more or less connected?
• What negative or distorted thoughts are contributing to my isolation? For example do I keep myself from talking to people because I have convinced myself they won’t like me?
• Is it time to reconsider my living arrangement? Is my house too big and lonely? Would living in a community be better for me?
• What do I really need from others?  (make a plan to ask for it)
• What am I doing to connect genuinely with people?
• What or who am I grateful for right now?  Focusing on what you are grateful for, even when alone and grieving, can open you to joy and allow you to start to feel less lonely.

And now for action -

Today you can begin to decrease loneliness in your life or in the lives of those around you. Now that you have thought through what you, yourself need to connect here are a few suggestions. (They are not for everyone but a prompt to get yourself thinking through what you need).

• Take a class
• Join a group or club
• Think about your living situation
• Volunteer
• Mindfulness
• Complement others
• Make small talk
• Go for a walk
• Call, email or write a letter
• Journal
• Make art
• Do puzzles
• Fill your calendar
• Smile at some one
• Hug some one
• Look someone in the eye
• Ask a question
• Make a meal for someone
• Take a meal to someone

Lastly a few resources that can also be helpful in making connections.

Volunteer directory
Senior center OC and LA
Caregiver support at ALZOC and Alzheimers association
Southern California Council on Aging
Senior Serve

I will also be posting connectivity encouragement on my facebook through June so like my page to get prompts through May. I'd love to hear how you are connecting with those around you.