Tell Me I Don’t Suck

Yes, I have made this request through text, emails and conversations over the years. There is a good chance that this may not strike you right away as a good way to express your needs and for you it may not be. I’ve found for myself in specific situations it speaks my heart in its most vulnerable rawness. So these are my guidelines to using it or developing your own expression of need.

1. Elaborate. This is the panic button statement. The whole thing should look something like “Today I made a horrible mistake at work, I feel discouraged, frustrated and small, what I really need from you is for you to tell me I don’t suck and I wouldn’t reject a hot fudge sundae”. Fill in the blank version: This is what I’m experiencing or the choices I made______________ I am feeling______________ and what I really need is _________________.

2. Choose your audience wisely. This is not a statement to put on a “hello my name is” tag. It is important to build trusting relationships with safe people. People who have your back and you have theirs. This is not the person you connected with online yesterday or anyone really (however safe they feel) that you have known for a very short time.
3. Cutting to the chase. Its easy to get caught up in the minutia of problem solving and lose sight of the fact that the real issue is “I feel horrible about myself in this situation and even when I can logically look at solutions, more than solutions I need to know you think I’m valuable or capable”
4. Be specific. Along the same lines, people who care about us actually want to help us. They want to know what to do and what we need. Stating our needs helps them help us. A while back I was going through a rough time, I emailed a friend stating “this is what I need from you; can you email or text me everyday for the next week to remind me I don’t suck?” I needed to know I wasn’t alone. I believe the response was “thank you for being specific about your needs” and a kind elaboration of some ways I don’t suck.
5. It still counts. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard in sessions (and out) “If I tell him what to say (or do) then it doesn’t count”. We all have different needs and perceptions and giving our loved ones a road map to our world is a win win. If I make you guess how I like my coffee and then am disappointed that there isn’t enough sugar, we both lose, I don’t get my sugar fix and I feel misunderstood, you feel like a failure and like you can’t ever get it right and we are more disconnected. If I tell you, or you ask, how I like my coffee, then I feel heard and cared about, you feel successful and good about doing something nice for me and we build connection.
6. Use sparingly, This is not a phrase I post on facebook weekly or even make to my short list of safe people very often. This is the breaking the glass emergency statement that those on my emergency list know what to do with. If you find yourself wanting to say this everyday to everyone you meet, bigger things are going on in your life and seeking additional resources and solutions need to be explored.
7. Be Honest. When I put this out there, I am being vulnerable and raw, acknowledging my brokenness (another reason its used sparingly). It could also be used manipulatively, it is important to be honest with our selves about what our goal for the statement is. Am I being manipulative or attention seeking? If so maybe its time to spend some more time getting to what my actual needs are and how and who to express them too.
8. Own it. This is a choice on your part to reach out to tried and true friends to ask for what you need. If it doesn’t land the way you hoped, you can look at why that is, but it's not a opportunity to attack the other person for not meeting your needs. It may be our delivery, a misperception of the relationship or something in their life that is making them unavailable at this time. Irregardless, you can be proud of yourself for taking a risk, examine how you can do it differently next time or explore other ways to self soothe. If you feel able to express yourself honestly and in a non-attacking way you may want to come back later to that person and say “I wanted to talk to you about that, I was in a rough place and was asking for support. How did it feel for you? I was hurt that you didn’t respond, can you help me understand a better way of expressing my needs?”. If they are not able to help you it does not make them bad or wrong, it also doesn’t make your request bad or wrong it simply isn’t the right fit.
9. Be willing to accept support. If you honestly, with all the above considerations, ask for what you need from someone you honor and respect and the person you reach out to cares about you enough to hear you and respond appropriately - say “thank you”, hear it, absorb and cherish it.  Many of us are inclined to argue back “I do too suck, let me tell you how...” So instead of graciously accepting the support we specifically asked for we attack our friend for being dumb enough to care about us. There are a lot of reasons we do this  but it results in loss of trust and disconnection.
10. Return the favor. I don’t mean have a automatic reply of “you don’t suck either” ready to go, I mean be willing to have their back too and listen to what that means. My people know that my cry for help means help me process, reason and get back on my feet, remind me of my wins, listen and be present with me. They know what this looks like for me and I know what it looks like for them individually, its not always the same. Again different is not wrong, this is a hard concept but a important one. Asking what your friend needs and following through, with what they are asking for not your perception of their need, builds trust.

I hope this has helped you think through ways to ask for and receive help. I would love to hear about your experiences in how you ask for and give support. 

Proud of you

Next week is Mister Rogers birthday. Despite the passage of time his words continue to inspire. He has a very simple and perfect message: You are special and so is your neighbor. He inspired and modeled this throughout his life.

I’m proud of you, I’m proud of you I hope that you are proud of you too

Who doesn’t want to hear this? Who doesn’t NEED to hear this?

Learning how important you are,
How important each person you see can be.
Discovering each one's specialty
Is the most important learning.

I’m important, your important, both of us are uniquely important, there never has been and never will be anyone exactly like you and if I can learn from what’s important about you, that is the most valuable thing I can do in a day or in a lifetime. WOW, how cool and how true is that?

The other component aside from learning from each other is connecting. The thing Mister Rogers did was look into the camera, he spoke to me and to you and to countless children that needed someone to see them. Now I know in future blogs I will likely warn about the dangers of such connections with fictional characters, but Fred Rogers was not fictional, he was connecting with his audience. He understood that children and adults need someone to look them in the eye and tell them they are special. We all need this, from birth to death we need connection, we need to be told we are uniquely special. We need to see what is special and beautiful about the people around us.

In honor of Mister Rogers I urge you to learn from your neighbors.  Acknowledge that we have opportunities to connect with people everyday that are uniquely and wonderfully special.

And to you, my blog neighbors:

I hope you are proud of the way you are growing,

the way you are becoming the unique person you are in this world.

Because its YOU I like

Be Brave and Be Kind

In the more recent Cinderella movie the emphasis of Cinderellas character is driven by her mothers last words to her: "be brave and be kind". We learn throughout the movie that these two traits are more intermingled than we often consider them to be.  It takes immense bravery to show kindness but it is in showing kindness that we can live. We also observe that Cinderella chose kindness despite it all while her step mother chose self protection which reflected as cruelty and selfishness. I appreciate how it is depicts that she did not set out to be cruel or evil as the fairy tale goes but that she responded to broken heartedness with fear rather than bravery. She was afraid and built a shell of resistance to protect her and her daughters. Many of us don't even realize we have created a insulation for ourselves and certainly would be surprised to be depicted as cruel or evil but we have become fearful of reaching out and providing kindness.

I work with couples that have lost the ability to connect with each other because they are so afraid of being hurt or rejected. Despite our inner yearnings and primal needs to be loved and to connect we insulate ourselves from connection because of fear, which in turn deepens that emptiness due to loss of connectedness. Its a vicious and sad cycle.

There are many threats to kindness and connection in our community, including technology, schedules, fear, anxiety and upbringing. The thing is we all have in us the capability to be brave and to be kind. The willingness to be kind despite ourselves can break us out of the cycle. Dr. David Hamilton does warn us that there are side effects to kindness including a happier disposition, better relationships, slowed aging, and improved all around health. Which is prompting me to start another challenge (you know I can't help myself) For the next 40 days I will be posting random acts of kindness prompts on my facebook page, like the page to receive them daily, I will not be doing weekly summaries here, I would love it if you would share them or let me know what you think or how it went.

If you want to increase connection with others but find that reaching out is too scary, or vulnerable, you may have some things you need to work through. I would be happy to help you work through this, together we can explore new pathways to connectedness and a stronger, braver you. You can contact me here.

In the end (spoiler alert) Cinderella found that the kindest and bravest thing that anyone can do for another is be their true and honest self. I hope that through being brave enough to step out side yourself to show kindness to others, you are able to find, and be proud of, that beauty and strength inside of you.