16 Christmas’s working in mental health have taught me a thing or two...
It is extremely important to me in this discussion that my reference to mental illness is to be viewed as one of respect. I have been honored to work with people who struggle each day with this condition and see them as heros. Mental illness is defined as a condition that affects a person's thinking, feeling or mood. Such conditions may affect someone's ability to relate to others and function each day. by the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). The holiday season is not free of challenges in relating or functioning and I hope to give a perspective of what I have learned so as to help you in your own journey as well as increase empathy for others.
For years sitting in groups, and working individually with patients and their families in mental health facilities I have come to observe topic patterns. The following three stand out the most to me and demonstrate the blurred lines of mental health.
Loss
Many of us have experienced loss, devastating losses, a loved one, a job, a relationship, a dream... whether it was in the last month or years ago, this season magnifies that loss. The emptiness is constantly present and severely painful. Here is a great list of things you can do to manage grief over the holidays, here is a list of suggestions to help others through their grief and here is one more great resource and article just for good measure.
While personal loss and grief is a consistent topic throughout the year in mental health the more predominate loss that comes up around the holidays is the loss of‘normal’ the loss of what could have been. There is a perception that there is an elusive “normal” and whatever it is, its not me or my experience. I believe we all carry this with us to some extent but don’t feel allowed to verbalize it. We silently grieve the loss of the vision, what the season is “supposed” to look like if only _____ (fill in your losses and absences here).
Once we acknowledge the grief we can begin to celebrate the now, the real, the imperfect and messy us. We can find beauty in the snowflakes of our individuality. We can sing off key and begin to believe that we are whole in our own uniquely beautiful “normal”.
Distance
Another subject that comes up is disconnection with family, and friends. Irregardless of the diagnosis I have often heard described a feeling of being outside looking in. Whether real or projected those with mental health diagnosis believe themselves to be outsiders, not fully included and misunderstood. Am I the only one who has felt that way too? Our insecurities and misperceptions can mess with us, we can believe ourselves to be outsiders, unloved, uninvited. A few things to ask yourself if you identify with this feeling (we all do at one time or another):
- - How real is it? what is my proof ? Are there other explanations for what happened? Sometimes it helps to have someone you trust to help you reality test. Someone with true paranoia will whole heartedly believe in their misperceptions but with some self awareness they can assign people they trust to tell them the truth and choose, despite themselves, to believe it. How wonderful to have that - someone we can trust to tell us the truth despite our firm belief in our own misperceptions. Be honest with yourself and allow yourself to trust in others, it is easier for us to assume rejection rather than trust but with trust comes reconnection.
- - What part am I playing in this positioning? Is my own depression, shyness, fears or anti social tendency keeping me separate? Am I pushing people away while longing for them to stay? Are my fears of rejection or unworthiness prompting actions that in turn prevent me from being included?
- - Where do I really want to be? Where do I feel safe? How can I make that happen? We often feel that with family is where we are supposed to be over the holidays but for many of us this is not a emotionally safe place to be. Look at this honestly and see what can be changed. Make a plan A, B and a exit strategy. Now, don’t go saying you’re not going to your in-laws because I said you don’t have to, but look at what adjustments can be made to increase safety and connection. Many of us only go in with a plan to grin and bear it and year after year it goes horribly wrong. Make a plan ahead of time and if possible communicate your plan to others.
Discombobulation
Don’t you love that word? It means to confuse or disconcert; upset, frustrate. A common theme around the holiday season is extreme anxiety over, well, all of it. There are changes everywhere which I think is often also the draw for many of us - we love christmas music and egg nog for exactly 4 weeks and then we are done with it for a whole year. We don’t all deal with change or loss of routine in the same way but I think if we are honest with ourselves, even those of us hard core Christmas/Hanukkah ninjas can admit to holiday discombobulation to some degree. The lesson here for all of us is simply to be gentle with ourselves. Understand where we are in life and who we are. Take some time to really look at what is overwhelming and what is life giving and make real changes accordingly.
Hope
This really just scratches the surface of the complexities of emotions we all experience over the holidays. There is hope in recognition. I have seen countless times how hope is able to grow only when challenges are faced. The important thing is to know yourself , accept yourself, verbalize your needs, seek help and find balance. Here are two more great articles and resources, NAMI on managing holiday blues and Psych Central has several articles addressing specific disorders and challenges. If any of these challenges feel too big and you need help working through them please contact me or someone and get the help you need. Attaining hope is doable but you are the only one that can take that first step.
Now, a deep life giving breath and on to the good stuff, there is joy to be had, songs to be sung. I hope you are able to embrace the season, to find the magic in the twinkle lights and breath in peace. I would love to hear how you are honoring the season.
