Gifting Intentionally

If you’re like me you are suddenly waking to the realization that you may need to start seriously thinking about gifts for your friends and family. To those of us still figuring it out, I have relational and possibly cost effective perspectives to share on gift giving with intention.

I recently did a search for top selling books on relationships and was pleasantly surprised to find a old classic back on top.  The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. The book suggests that we all give and receive love in unique language, meaning there are specific individual ways we give and receive love.  Here is a brief description on the five, for more information I recommend going to his website or reading the book.

Quality time - Giving and receiving undivided attention is the way love is experienced.
Words of affirmation - uses words to affirm other people, words speak louder than action.
Acts of service (devotion) - actions speak louder than words.
Physical touch - nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch.
Receiving gifts - what makes one feel most love is to give and receive a gifts.

I may communicate love by spending time with someone (quality time) but if the person I am attempting to express that love to doesn’t communicate or value that same expression, for example prefers words, it will fall flat. Not understanding our own love language AND possibly more importantly our loved ones love languages can lead to unintended feelings of rejection and pain.  Her love language may be words of affirmation, his may be service, he tirelessly works around the house, she thinks “he never says he loves me so he must not”, he thinks “she never helps me with the cleaning, she doesn’t care about me”.  While both care for each other and are expressing it in their own way their expression misalign and the relationship suffers.

Is this sounding familiar? Many of us assume that everyone experiences love in the same way, this is not anywhere close to true. Its important to really understand that your reality is not others reality and strive for understanding of others perspective. This doesn’t mean you need to change your preference or perspective. For example for the situation above, when she begins to realize that he values service and cleaning she can say she loves him by surprising him by doing a project and he can take time to intentionally tell her that he loves her. They can keep their own language but take steps to meet the other's.

So back to gifts. When we consider our loved one’s love language in choosing their gifts we are on the right track to choosing a gift that will make them feel loved and known. Here are a few suggestions to get your brainstorming started.

Quality time: Give a gift of a activity, schedule a day trip or short vacation with this person, buy a membership to a museum or zoo and schedule times to go together.

Words of affirmation: Write down things you love about this person or special memories. I really love this deck of cards : 52 things I love about you or for the more ambitious you can make a jar or calendar with 365 or more reasons.

Acts of service: schedule a work day to work on a specific project, offer to take on a certain chore for a period of time, provide coupons to do dishes, laundry, or cooking.

Physical touch: Give a gift certificate for a massage, or give a massage yourself.

Receiving gifts: Consider what type of gifts are valued, not everyone needs diamonds, or expensive gifts.  Add to a collection, individually wrapping small parts of a gift or do a scavenger hunt.

It is vital to recognize the difference between your love language and theirs. Giving a gift in your love language runs the risk of deepening resentment or feelings of being unheard and uncared for. Spending time thinking up 365 reasons you love him may not be as appreciated if he is more a service guy and getting season hockey tickets for her so you can spend quality time together even if she is a quality time person may not be well received.  On the other hand, respecting your loved ones love language and interests, even when it is greek to you, is the most important gift you can give.

Happy gift giving :) I would love to hear what you came up with.