Are you Faithful? — Judy Dodgen, LMFT

Many couples define their strength or devotion based on their faithfulness. “I have not had sex with someone other than my spouse which makes me solidly faithful”, end of story. So when despite lack of sexual infidelity marital difficulties arise it can be surprising, and likely viewed as the other persons fault, because you have been faithful, right? Or have you?

Lets look at Faithfulness- Wikipedia* defines faithfulness as

being the concept of unfailingly remaining loyal to someone or something and putting that loyalty into consistent practice, regardless of extenuating circumstances.

So do you put your loyalty in consistent practice in your most important relationship?

Prompted by John Gottman, PhD and Nan Silvers book what makes love last I have compiled the following list of questions

Are you fully committed or are you looking for something better to come along?
Do you compare your relationship to others?
Do you have a friendship that is more emotionally intimate than your friendship with your partner (it doesn’t have to be sexual)?
Do you keep secrets from your partner?
Do you allow others to make decisions for your relationship that you should make with your partner?
Are you present and available for your partner? Does he/she feel comfortable talking about their experiences with you?
Do you turn to others with good or bad news before your partner?
Do you insult or put your partner down in front of others?
Have you decreased sexual engagement with your partner?
Do you take more than you give in your relationship?
Do you consider the impact on your partner when making decisions?
Have you broken promises made in your relationship?

These questions are not intended to raise guilt or provoke you to point fingers, they are to serve as a prompt to think through areas where you can grow in your relationship. That's right, another growth opportunity. No relationship is perfect, changes occur in all relationships and our abilities to build and destroy trust are always there. If one of these points jumped out at you and punched you in the gut a bit, take this as a opportunity to talk to your partner about it. Communication is the number one most important skill in your relationship and whether you have been together 5 days or 50 years you still need to communicate effectively with each other. If any of the above is a concern it doesn’t mean the end of your relationship, its like a small infection, easily tended to and healed but if left alone to fester it could become more threatening and dangerous. Also, just because one of these are true doesn’t mean the relationship is in danger, there are times during illness and stress that one partner will take more than the other, or times that promises are broken, the key is that you are both on the same page and talking about it so that your bond grows through it instead of splintering. Relationships take work and commitment identifying and discussing your struggles with each other even when its hard, especially when its hard, will make your relationship more connected, intimate and stronger than you ever imagined.

*I know Wikapedia is no Merriam Webster or Dictionary.com but if you would like to compare you'll find the definition was more straight forward and basically sounded better.